“Mitt Romney we think is going run again. He says he has no plans to run, but he said if he did run, this time things would turn out differently. Yes they would. This time he would get his ass kicked by a woman.” – Bill Maher
“It turns out that country singer Larry Gatlin is a global policy genius and he’s writing policy memos to President Obama. I think I’ll wait to hear what Kenny Chesney thinks” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin’s whole family got into a drunken, public fistfight. Something police are calling a tragic case of trash on trash violence.” – Bill Maher
“Apparently it got very gnarly. The Palins, the whole family, showed up in a stretch hummer at this party and saw a guy who had broken up with Willow, and they all wanted to fight him. Bristol threw punches. Willow wailed on this guy. Todd had a bloody nose. Sarah was screaming, ‘Don’t you know who I am?!’ And Track tore off his shirt and was walking down the street giving everyone the finger. I have only one thing to say about this: ‘ISIS, do you really want to mess with this?'” – Bill Maher
“You know who’s upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It’s because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.” – David Letterman
“This week President Obama gave a big speech from White House where he outlined his plan to quote ‘degrade and ultimately destroy’ the terror group ISIS. When asked how, he said, ‘I’ll build their website.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In his speech the other night, President Obama announced that he’s counting on the support of an international coalition. Right now, we can’t get the support of the International House of Pancakes.” – David Letterman
“The president went on TV and explained that our new operation against ISIS is not a war. War is what FOX News does to defend Christmas.” – Bill Maher
“Forty-seven percent of Americans feel less safe than before 9/11. But enough about the NRA.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama announced in his speech the other night that he’s sending 475 military advisers to Iraq. Not only that but he’s also sending 475 military advisers to the NFL.” – David Letterman
“Congress is now criticizing NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for not acting swiftly enough. You know you’re slow if you’re being criticized by Congress for not acting swiftly enough.” – David Letterman
“I always get excited when I come to Washington because I’m that typical tourist; I like to see the sh*t. There’s so many great historical sites: the lobby of The Willard hotel, where we got that name lobbyist, where they used to literally lobby; the tavern where John Adams used to drink; the Capitol where they used to pass laws.” – Bill Maher
“Thirteen years since 9/11, look how far we’ve come. Back then we were scared, over-reacting, about to launch an expensive overseas campaign. But so much has changed. For example, Dick Cheney’s heart is now connected to the iPhone watch.” – Bill Maher
“British Prime Minister David Cameron went to Scotland this week to persuade citizens of the country to vote ‘no’ on leaving the U.K. He said, ‘It’s never worked out for anyone-well except America, and Canada, Australia, India, and … I’ll stop talking now.'” – Jimmy Fallon
