“According to a report from the United Nations, the damage from global warming could be irreversible. It’s clear we need to do something. We need to give the Earth the ice bucket challenge.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In Washington state you can now smoke weed. But they have something I’ve never heard of. It’s weed soda. It is the opposite of diet soda, if you think about it. A minute ago I was just thirsty. Now I’m starving. Weed soda!” – David Letterman
“Race is there; it exists. You’re tired of hearing about it? … Imagine how fucking exhausting it is living it.” – Jon Stewart (on Fox News’s coverage of Ferguson, MO)
“President Obama watched the Emmys and said the U.S. would be out of the Emmys by 2017.” – David Letterman
“Israel bugged John Kerry’s phone last year while he mediated Middle East peace talks. They listened in on John Kerry’s phone calls. It’s the rare case where the crime IS the punishment.” – Seth Meyers
“Republicans have a video game for the kids. You have an elephant on your video game and it tries to accumulate seats in the Senate. It’s not the first. Remember George W. Bush had a video game back in 2000 — Grand Theft Election.” – David Letterman
“Burger King is moving to Canada. They bought the doughnut place, Tim Horton’s. Financed by Warren Buffett, Burger King will be moving to Canada to avoid paying taxes. Hearing about it, President Obama immediately took away Buffett’s medal of freedom.” – David Letterman
