“President Obama is planning to break up his vacation in Martha’s Vineyard by returning to D.C. for two days for meetings. Yeah, two days away from his family vacation – or as that’s also known, a ‘vacation’. If you’ve been on vacation, then you know.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama’s approval rating is now at an all-time low. It’s so bad that last night he gave his daughter Sasha a ride to a friend’s house and she asked him to drop her off two blocks away.” – Seth Meyers
“A new poll found that President Obama’s approval rating has hit a new low of just 40 percent. Or as Obama put it, ’60 under par!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last week it was revealed the CIA has been spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee, which is the committee that’s supposed to supervise the CIA. Who do these people think they are? Facebook?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Russian government said Edward Snowden can stay for three more years. Or as Obama put it, ‘Eh, that was gonna be his prison sentence, anyway.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“While speaking at an African leadership summit yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden accidentally referred to Africa as a country instead of a continent. To be fair, most of what he knows about Africa is based on ‘The Lion King’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A Republican congressman has accused Democrats of waging a war on whites. As proof, he pointed to the recent bombing of the kale aisle at a Trader Joe’s.” – Conan O’Brien
“Officials from Hamas and Israel have agreed to a 72-hour cease-fire. Of course, we won’t have true peace in the Middle East until there’s a cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale.” – Seth Meyers
“Welcome to those who are visiting LA. We’re going to have a good time in beautiful Los Angeles, which has just been named the 16th coolest city in America by Forbes magazine. We finally tied San Jose.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“You know what city Forbes says is the coolest? The No. 1 coolest city in America is Washington, D.C. How did that happen? Did Obama start smoking again?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Forbes bases its rankings on factors like how many entertainment options a city has. Makes sense. In Washington, between Joe Biden and John Boehner alone, it’s like a nonstop Burning Man festival.” – Jimmy Kimmel
