“In Washington the House passed a bill today to go forward with a lawsuit against President Obama. Who says Congress can’t get anything done? They’re suing the president.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama is facing repeated calls for his impeachment because of the immigration crisis at the border. But yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that in fact Republicans have no plans to impeach the president. Which got weird when Obama was like, ‘Damn’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Boehner said Republicans have no plans to impeach President Obama. They were like, ‘We’re too busy trying to figure out how to impeach Hillary.” – Jimmy Fallon
“That lawsuit against the president is ridiculous – unless they do the trial on ‘Judge Judy’. Then I’m all for it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The FBI has captured a man accused of sending over 500 letters filled with white powder to President Obama. The FBI said he was a disillusioned middle-aged man who felt beaten down and powerless at work, and the guy who sent the letters was kind of a mess, too.” – Seth Meyers
“The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. They don’t really care about weed, it’s just the only way they can keep selling papers.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The New York Times published its first of a six-part series that calls for federal legalization of marijuana. You remember newspapers, those things we used to read before BuzzFeed asked us which sandwich we were.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The New York Times came out in favor of marijuana legalization. Apparently, someone told them that marijuana users are really into ‘buying papers’.” – Seth Meyers
“The Times said the government should legalize marijuana because the current laws against weed are useless and outdated. Then they said, ‘You know, like a newspaper.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Times editorial board argued, after weighing the pros and cons, that the scale tips in favor of legalizing marijuana nationwide. You know how long it’s going to take people to finish The New York Times crossword puzzle NOW?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The TSA is offering a $5,000 reward for the best idea on how to speed up airport security lines. So far the best idea is making a line for people who know what they’re doing and another line for people who have never been to an airport before.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I have always been a huge fan of Sarah Palin. She’s a strong leader with a proven history of selflessness. I mean, in the midst of her 2008 campaign, she took the time to help out a struggling senior with severely impaired judgment.” – Stephen Colbert
“The Times is reporting that Montana Sen. John Walsh plagiarized at least 25 percent of his master’s thesis in grad school. Walsh totally denies it and said, ‘I am not a crook’,” and ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s birthday. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and his families.” – Craig Ferguson
“According to the Centers for Disease Control, the largest single transmission of deadly germs is a handshake. You’re lucky, because the most popular form of greeting here in New York is the middle finger.” – David Letterman
“Supporters of former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have released a new font in the style of his handwriting. Although I’m surprised he wrote anything by hand since he was so used to dictating.” – Seth Meyers
