“This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, ‘Hey, my record slurs for itself.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“People love the new Pope, but I think it’s safe to say he’s gone crazy. Now he’s thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. Are you like me? Are you thinking ‘Real Housewives of the Vatican?'” – David Letterman
“I don’t know if this is a good idea or not. Do you really want a priest showing up for the last rites with a date?” – David Letterman
“Even though both Israel and Hamas fired on one another during the five-hour humanitarian period yesterday, the U.N. secretary general said both sides ‘mostly respected’ the cease-fire. That’s like leaving the house without pants and saying you’re ‘mostly dressed’.” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama said that his strategy for foreign policy is to be patient and determined. Which is also his strategy when it comes to Biden’s bedtime.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Now the FCC wants to update the Emergency Alert System so the president can interrupt any TV program. ‘We interrupt this program so the president can tell America what he had for lunch: a good bowl of matzo ball soup. This concludes today’s presidential lunch update.'” – David Letterman
“Today is the 30th anniversary of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act, which raised the drinking age to 21. Also turning 30 today: a 16-year-old boy, according to his fake ID.” – Seth Meyers
“A federal judge ruled yesterday that California’s version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California’s version has avocado on it.” – Seth Meyers
“Chris Christie warned against presidential candidates running too soon. Then earthquake experts warned Chris Christie against running at all. ‘Cities just aren’t equipped to deal with it.'” – Jimmy Fallon
