“President Obama called German Chancellor Angela Merkel yesterday to talk about improving relations with our country after this latest spying scandal. Obama made her a pretty good offer. He said, ‘Look, we’ll stop spying if we can borrow your soccer team.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week Dick Cheney called President Obama ‘the worst president of my lifetime.’ Oh come on, Obama may not be perfect, but there’s no way he’s worse than John Quincy Adams.” – Seth Meyers
“Speaking of Obama, yesterday Congressman Raul Labrador said that impeaching President Obama isn’t a good idea, because, quote, ‘no one wants President Joe Biden.’ And that’s when Biden realized why Obama picked him as a running mate.” – Jimmy Fallon
“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is in Iowa campaigning at a big cookout because this is what you do if you want to be president. He’s out there all day telling people the hotdog line is closed for a traffic study.” – David Letterman
“If you are attending this campaign cookout in Iowa, please, this is sort of like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Do not get between the governor and the potato salad.” – David Letterman
“There’s currently a petition to split California into several states. Among the new states would be Botoxia, Pornsylvania, and of course, the Commonwealth of Kardashiania.” – Conan O’Brien
“A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region’s really angry about it – unless they’re downwind, then they’re totally cool.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, Iran asked the U.S. for an extension on disabling their nuclear program. When asked how much time they needed, they said, ’10, 9, 8…'” – Seth Meyers
