“The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no.” – David Letterman
“I don’t want to complicate your hatred of facial hair there, friend, but my guess is if you gave Bob Bergdahl a bandana and a duck, you’d like him just-f*cking-fine.” – Jon Stewart (reacting to “Fox and Friends” cohost Brian Kilmeade’s criticism of the father of freed American POW Bowe Bergdahl)
“The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group has posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you’ve gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you’re wearing too many scarves.” – Seth Meyers
“I think the second term is getting to President Obama. He is saying that he wishes he could be anonymous. And I say: Hey, according to the new approval ratings, you’re pretty close.” – David Letterman
“President Obama is in Poland. He’s not doing anything official. He just wants to go before Putin invades. Poland shares a border with Ukraine, which shares a border with Russia. It’s kind of like living two doors down from Alec Baldwin. Eventually you’re getting attacked, right?” – Craig Ferguson
“Last Friday CNN had its worst 10 p.m. ratings of all time, with only 35,000 viewers tuning in. I left it on for my dog, and when I came back, she was reading a newspaper.” – Jimmy Fallon
“CNN got just 35,000 viewers. Even worse, most of those views came from monitors left on in the background on CNN.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Pope Francis is now telling married couples to have children, because only having pets could lead to anger or bitterness in old age. As opposed to having kids, which leads to anger AND bitterness in old age.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday French President Francois Hollande announced that he will be having two consecutive dinners on Thursday night in order to keep President Obama and Vladimir Putin separate. It’s an old trick he learned from having a wife and a mistress.” – Seth Meyers
