“Yesterday President Obama made an unscheduled stop at a Little League game while he was on his way to a fundraiser. Yeah, because there’s nothing parents love more than their kid’s Little League game getting even longer.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In New Hampshire, a police commissioner who called President Obama a racial slur has resigned. He also publicly apologized to New Hampshire’s entire black community, a guy named Steve.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s primary season, which thanks to global warming, will soon be our last remaining season.” – Stephen Colbert
“It’s springtime and earlier today Chris Christie closed the George Washington Bridge for a pollen study.” – David Letterman
“Why would [Hillary Clinton] run? In the past month, she faced new Benghazi allegations, the return of Monica Lewinsky, Karl Rove speculating on her brain damage and the rumors that she only got into the White House by sleeping with the president. A lie? Probably.” – Stephen Colbert
“A high school girl has invited Joe Biden to be her prom date. Isn’t that nice? However, her father is refusing to let her go with a guy who can’t really describe what he does for a living.” – Conan O’Brien
“The U.S. is accusing Chinese military officials of spying. When asked why they did it, the Chinese officials said it’s payback for all the times your students cheated off the Asian kid.” – Conan O’Brien
“The FBI has reversed its policy and will now hire people who have smoked pot in the past three years. When asked why, the FBI said, ‘Because we couldn’t find anyone who hasn’t smoked pot.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Vladimir Putin ordered all Russian troops stationed near Ukraine to be pulled back to their home bases. It’s the first time Putin has pulled back since that one time someone tried to hug him.” – Seth Meyers
“Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, ‘We’ve been expecting you.'” – Jimmy Fallon
