“The earthquake damaged the Washington Monument. They had to do some sandblasting, had to have the graffiti removed, and then they filled in the cracks with some sort of sealant. It’s what they’re doing right now for Hillary Clinton.” – David Letterman
‘During his trip to the White House yesterday, Uruguay’s president said that more Americans should be bilingual. Then Joe Biden said, ‘Thanks, but I’m happily married.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new survey, 55 percent of Americans think that they are smarter than the average American. Said the average American, ’55 percent? That’s almost half.'” – Seth Meyers
“A federal judge ruled yesterday that Idaho’s ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, so now it’s legal for gay couples to get married. Idaho’s gay people all cheered – from their homes in San Francisco and New York.” – Jimmy Fallon
“New research suggests that people who are more ambitious will live longer. While people who are less ambitious will live longer with their parents.” – Seth Meyers
“A new study claims that 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. They’re called English majors.” – Seth Meyers
