“The White House went on lockdown for the second time in three days after someone threw something over the fence. Security was like, ‘Sorry Hillary, you’re going to have to wait two and a half more years to move your stuff in. You can’t just toss it over the fence.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“For the second time in three days, the White House has gone into lockdown after someone threw an object over the fence. Finally today, President Obama took away Joe Biden’s Frisbee.” – Seth Meyers
“A new report shows that President Obama has visited 45 states during his time in office. When he heard that, Biden said, ‘Wow, he’s been to ALL of ’em?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“What must it be like to work at a rehab facility and you see Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walk through the door? I can imagine: red lights start flashing, a siren goes off, someone yells, ‘This is what we have been training for, people! Let’s go!'” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Mayor Ford told a reporter he is paying $100,000 for treatment. The reason we know this is because the mayor has been talking to the Toronto Sun. He told the reporter he got in trouble for talking to the press, so he did an interview on Wednesday to tell the reporter he was not supposed to have done an interview on Tuesday.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“A new report says that global warming could cause Boston to end up completely underwater. Bostonians say, ‘We’re OK with that as long as it happens when the Yankees are in town.’ They hate them that much.” – Conan O’Brien
