“Here’s an update on our pal, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. In a new interview, Ford said that he’s enjoying rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then the counselors said, ‘Actually, this IS a football camp. You wandered in here last night at 3 a.m. Please leave.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in rehab, and he said it is amazing. Ford said, ‘I love it so much, I’m going to do this every year.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Yeah, Rob Ford said he likes rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then his parents were like, ‘Uh … that was also rehab.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Guess who’s back? Monica Lewinsky. She did an interview in the upcoming Vanity Fair. This is big news … in 1998. If you are happy that Monica Lewinsky is back in the news that means you’re probably an aging writer because it was the golden age of comedy, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman
“Monica Lewinsky is breaking her silence about her affair with Bill Clinton for a new essay in Vanity Fair. In the essay, she actually says, ‘it’s time to burn the beret, bury the blue dress, and move on.’ And Americans said, ‘Yeah, we did 15 years ago. Where have you been?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said her guilty pleasure is eating chocolate. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton said his guilty pleasure is being Bill Clinton.” – Conan O’Brien
‘The White House released a massive report on the effects of climate change called the National Climate Assessment. Which beats its original title: ‘It’s Gettin’ Hot in Here.’ Although the report might have more impact if they didn’t release it RIGHT when the weather got nice.’ – Jimmy Fallon
‘The Supreme Court upheld a decision that allows town hall meetings to open with a prayer. But it probably won’t be answered because when God heard it was a town hall meeting, even HE went to sleep. ‘I think we need another Meineke in our town! I drive by and there’s cars on all four lifts.'” – Jimmy Fallon
‘A new report came out that calls Venezuela the most miserable country on earth. After hearing this, Kim Jung Un said, ‘What do I have to do? What do you want from me?” – Conan O’Brien
