“The Republicans in Congress voted no on the minimum wage. Wow, that’s not the Republicans I know. I think they’re confused. We’re supposed to apply the economic sanctions to the Russians.” – David Letterman
“Yesterday Russia’s deputy prime minister said the White House should revise its sanctions or else his country won’t help NASA. And this is true, astronauts will have to start using a trampoline to get to space.” – Jimmy Fallon
“L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded on tape making racist comments. He now has been banned from the league for life. Great, just where Sterling wanted to end up – the blacklist” – Jimmy Fallon
“The NBA has banned Donald Sterling for life for his racist comments. If Sterling has a problem with black people, maybe he should think about owning a hockey team.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Someone who doesn’t want to associate with black people owning an NBA franchise is like a vegan buying a steakhouse.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he doesn’t think Donald Sterling should be kicked out of the league for comments made in private conversation. After hearing this Sterling said, ‘Wow, this is the first time I’ve liked a Cuban.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This afternoon the NBA laid out the punishment for Clippers owner Donald Sterling. It will include a lifetime ban from the NBA, a $2.5 million fine, and two free throws.” – Seth Meyers
“The NBA has banned Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life. He’s pretty old. They could’ve just said two years. It would have been the same thing.” – Craig Ferguson
“They fined Sterling $2.5 million. At a typical NBA game, $2.5 million is what you pay for those big foam fingers.” – Craig Ferguson
“NBA players had threatened to boycott if Donald Sterling wasn’t banned for life. In fact, the Lakers are so upset they decided not to play for the rest of the season.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sterling is not allowed to have any contact with any professional basketball whatsoever. It’s like he’s an honorary L.A. Laker.” – Craig Ferguson
“Clippers owner Donald Sterling was captured on tape saying very racist things to his girlfriend. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver handed down the toughest punishment possible. Friends say to help lift his spirits, Sterling has been watching ’12 Years a Slave’ in reverse.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“On the bright side, at least Sterling still has a wife and girlfriend to lean on.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Jamaica is reportedly close to passing a measure that would legalize marijuana. Yeah, in Jamaica. Political analysts are calling it a bold move that could change nothing.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In the middle of his second term, President Obama’s approval rating once again has dropped. Obama’s approval rating is so low that today Hillary Clinton said, ‘I’ll take it from here’.” – David Letterman
