“Big news out of the White House. According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting to duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack O-Buzzkill.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday Hillary Clinton admitted she is thinking about running for president. Though it would be more shocking if she admitted to ever thinking about anything else.” – Seth Meyers
“‘Captain America’ is currently the No. 1 movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when Captain America asks Captain China for a $17 trillion loan.” – Conan O’Brien
“The North Korean dictator is in the news again. He was re-elected with 100 percent of the vote. He said, ‘I haven’t been this happy since I scored 700,000 on the SAT exam.'” – Conan O’Brien
“France has passed new legislation that makes it illegal to work after 6 p.m. They’re hoping to encourage workers to spend more time with their mistresses.” – Seth Meyers
“Last week I announced that I’m retiring. Now I’m hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached.” – David Letterman
“I’ll tell you exactly the moment I made the decision to retire. A couple of months ago my cue card boy came to me and said, ‘Mr. Letterman, I’m sorry. I just can’t print the jokes any bigger.'” – David Letterman
