“A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien
“George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner.” – Jimmy Fallon
“At the NCAA men’s basketball championship, President Clinton sat with President George W. Bush. In the second half, Bush tried to catch a foul ball.” – David Letterman
“Congratulations to the Huskies, who are the NCAA champs. There were a lot of celebrities at the game last night. Bill Clinton and George W. Bush sat together. Apparently they’re becoming good friends. I smell a sitcom.” – Craig Ferguson
“Last week I mentioned to folks I was retiring and the reaction has been overwhelming, but the most impressive reaction since I made that announcement is now I’m seeing kind of a wistful tone to my hate mail.” – David Letterman
“Last month, over 200,000 jobs were created in the United States. And that doesn’t count this one.” – David Letterman
“About a year from now, I’ll be doing commercials for reverse mortgages.” – David Letterman
“In a recent survey, 84 percent of Americans were unable to locate Ukraine on a map. When he heard this, Vladimir Putin said, ‘That’s easy, it’s in Russia now.'” – Conan O’Brien
