“George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn’t find it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan just released his budget proposal for 2015. Of course, a lot of people are criticizing it. For example, during a speech yesterday President Obama referred to the budget as a ‘stinkburger’ and a ‘meanwich.’ Ryan called Obama immature, while Chris Christie called to see if he had any more of those stinkburgers or meanwiches.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chris Christie, what a guy. He allegedly closes down the George Washington Bridge. Everybody goes crazy. And he says, ‘I’ll handle this. I’m going to investigate myself.’ So he investigates himself. He finds out that he, in fact, is innocent. He came up with a classic defense, ‘If the pants don’t fit, you must acquit.'” – David Letterman
“Our good pal, Rob Ford, is at it again. Yesterday he was the only member of Toronto’s city council to vote ‘no’ on a measure to congratulate Canada’s Winter Olympians. He said, ‘If someone’s gonna be rewarded for not falling on their face, it should be me.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ford also voted against naming a street after Nelson Mandela. But he claims that he simply hit the wrong button. Then people who voted for Rob Ford were like, ‘Been there’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Evil Russian president Vladimir Putin and his wife have divorced. They say it was amicable. It must be because she’s still alive.” – David Letterman
“The Kremlin announced yesterday that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30-year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes and one laugh.” – Seth Meyers
