“The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She’ll get the house and the car and he’ll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus…” – Seth Meyers
“Vladimir Putin’s divorce became final today. So ladies, he’s officially single. Run!” – Seth Meyers
“A new poll has found that 75 percent of Americans believe marijuana legalization is inevitable. The same 75 percent also said inevitable is a funny word because you never hear ‘evitable’. What does evitable mean?” – Seth Meyers
“That’s right, 75 percent of Americans think marijuana eventually will be legal, while the other 25 percent said, ‘What, it’s illegal?'” – Seth Meyers
“Toronto’s city council voted on whether to name a street after Nelson Mandela and whether to congratulate Canada’s Olympic athletes. Both votes passed 40-1. Can you guess who that one vote against was? Rob Ford. He now says he got the buttons confused. Come on, Toronto, how could you not re-elect this guy? He’s the best. And it’s Wednesday. This is the first mistake he’s made all week.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Clinton is here tonight to remind us about how happy we used to be.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In mere minutes, President Clinton will be sitting in the same spot once occupied by both Honey Boo Boo and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. That chair is going to be so confused.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The White House finally met their enrollment goal for Obamacare. President Obama held a press conference and said this means that Obamacare is ‘here to stay’. He added, ‘because if you think getting INTO the program was hard, just try getting OUT.'” – Jimmy Fallon
