“The White House says it’s surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It’s amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don’t do it, and keep extending the deadline for months.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, ‘Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.'” – Seth Meyers
“Connecticut beat Michigan State, the team that President Obama had picked to win the whole tournament. It completely busted his bracket. Which explains why today Connecticut got a fruit basket from Vladimir Putin.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Officials in Finland say the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Vladimir Putin calls that, ‘window shopping’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia, who is Darth Vader in a man costume.” – Seth Meyers
“U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world’s supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, ‘OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like ‘Goodnight Kale’, ‘James and the Giant Organic Peach’, and ‘The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet’.” – Seth Meyers
