“Let’s talk about March Madness. It starts out with 68. Then it goes to 32. And then it drops to 16. You know what it’s like? It’s like President Obama’s approval rating.” – David Letterman
“In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said the Orange and the first thing I thought was something happened to Speaker of the House John Boehner.” – David Letterman
“Over the weekend Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia – and also the fact that he had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool.” – Jimmy Fallon
“That’s right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin’s rivals tried to start his car.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn’t even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn’t want to visit any country he can’t keep.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney’s ‘It’s a Small World’ ride. But they’re making some changes to it. They’re making the Russian section much, much larger.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama now is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful.” – David Letterman
“When Obama meets with the G-7 leaders it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps.” – David Letterman
“While in China, first lady Michelle Obama commented on Chinese censorship. Or as the Chinese news reported it, Michelle Obama greatly admires Chinese censorship.” – Conan O’Brien
“On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had a power to ‘see the future,’ and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn’t have run for president in 2012.” – Seth Meyers
“In an interview with ‘Meet the Press,’ former President Jimmy Carter said he won’t send emails because he believes the NSA is reading them. And also because he can’t find the ‘send’ button on his typewriter.” – Seth Meyers
