“It’s an amazing story… the plane… something just vanished without a trace. it means it was either an act of terrorism, an accident, or it starred Collin Farrell.” – Bill Maher
“The situation in Ukraine keeps getting more tense. And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian-Ukrainian border. Russia says its troops are there only for a training exercise. When asked what they’re training for, Russian officials said, ‘Invading Ukraine’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There is actually a fourth possibility that Republicans are putting forward, that the plane went down because it was emboldened by Obama’s weakness. That apparently is their answer for everything. In fact on Fox and Friends, Steve Doocy said it was a strange coincidence that Obama has a daughter named Malaysia.” – Bill Maher
“The Russians took over Crimea and Republicans know who to blame: Obama. Yes, it all happened because Obama is weak, unlike warrior king Mitt Romney. It never would have happened under him.” – Bill Maher
“John McCain wrote an op-ed in the New York Times and said Obama has made America look weak because he is not decisive. Right, decisive. You know, once you have picked Sarah Palin as your vice president, decisions aren’t something we call you for as a phone-a-friend.” – Bill Maher
“Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I’ve ever heard any politician say. She said, ‘The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.’ You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house?” – Bill Maher
“Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!” – Jimmy Fallon
“Zuckerberg criticized the NSA and called the government a threat to the Internet. Then he went back to running a website where you list everyone you’ve ever met, every place you’ve been, every place you’re going, what you had eat, your ex-girlfriends and your ex-boyfriends, which bands you like…” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week the White House said the economy is continuing to pick up steam, but then went on to say that the unemployment rate is still ‘unacceptably high’. Incidentally, being unacceptably high is also a big reason many people are unemployed.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Obama administration announced it is going to require colleges and vocational schools to demonstrate that they are properly preparing students for jobs after college. So don’t be surprised if your chemistry class tomorrow is all about how to make a cappuccino.” – Seth Meyers
“First lady Michelle Obama now has blond highlights in her hair. In fact, her hair has a higher approval rating than her husband.” – David Letterman
“Michelle Obama added some highlights in her hair. And I know a lot of you are thinking, ‘Gee, I wish this show had some highlights.'” – David Letterman
“Lindsay Graham is running for reelection and his primary opponent publicly called him ‘ambiguously gay.” … Republican politicians do not like ambiguously gay. It makes things too complicated at the rest stop.” – Bill Maher
“The average American citizen – you hear the statistic all the time – works six months out of the year for the government. That’s how difficult the taxes are in this country. We work six months out of the year. Government employees don’t even do that.” – David Letterman
