“I do not like the speech you spoke. The speech you spoke was quite a joke. I found your words were lacking taste. You first hit copy, then hit paste. I would not like this on a beach. So next time write your own damn speech.” – Jimmy Fallon (reading a rebuttal from “Sam I Am” to Sarah Palin after she rewrote Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham” to criticize Obamacare)
“Russian President Vladimir Putin is claiming Russia did not invade the Crimean peninsula. What are those guys, neighborhood watch? Mall cops?” – David Letterman
“President Obama is steamed about this. He got Vladimir Putin on the phone and said, ‘Hello, is this Adele Dazeem?'” – David Letterman
“Another big story is the ongoing situation in Ukraine, which has caused a lot of tension between the U.S. and Russia. But get this — NASA has announced that it will continue to work with Russia’s space program, even though the Pentagon has severed ties with the Russian military. When asked why, scientists from both sides were like, ‘Because we’re building a robot army, umm – ER – nothing.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“If you want to boycott Russia, do what I did. Switch to a domestic vodka.” – David Letterman
“Vladimir Putin is a goon, a stooge, and a thug. Not only did he invade Crimea, but he shut down ‘meet-Russian-women.com’.” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin offered some advice to President Obama regarding Vladimir Putin, saying the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke. And the most shocking part of that statement is that she considers President Obama a good guy.” – Seth Meyers
“The other night, President Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song ‘Respect’. President Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Conservative Political Action Conference is still going on down in Washington, D.C. And yesterday, Donald Trump was giving a speech, when he accidentally referred to former President Jimmy Carter – who’s still very much alive – as ‘the late, great Jimmy Carter.’ Trump immediately apologized, and then said, ‘He wasn’t THAT great’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Osama bin Laden’s son-in-law is on trial right now. He produced all of al-Qaida’s videos. Not only is he on trial but he would like to let you know that the first season is available on Netflix.” – David Letterman
“A California lawmaker is proposing stricter regulations on the doctors who prescribe medical marijuana. For example, doctors are no longer able to prescribe you pot for the medical condition: ‘I Just Got Netflix’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Over the weekend, North Korea held elections, and Kim Jon Un was reelected with 100% of the vote. Kim Jong Un credits the win to his slogan: ‘Vote for me or you will be murdered’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The College Board says it’s revamping the SAT to focus more on what students will need in college. In fact, the SAT is now just one question: ‘How much money do your parents have?'” – Jimmy Fallon
