“An anchor for Russia’s state-owned news channel quit on live TV yesterday, saying that she doesn’t agree with the network’s support of Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again – CNN.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.” – David Letterman
“If Putin invades Ukraine and then passes the written test, he will be promoted to dictator.” – David Letterman
“John Kerry, secretary of state, is visiting Ukraine and today he met with Adele Dazeem.” – David Letterman
“Obama’s approval rating is at an all-time low. He has a plan to make him look better. It is called letting Joe Biden make a speech.” – Craig Ferguson
“The White House announced a change to Obamacare. They keep making adjustments. They say people can now keep their insurance plans for two more years. When asked what would happen after two years, Obama said, ‘After two years, I don’t give a damn.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Meteorologists say 90 percent of the Great Lakes are frozen over. People from Chicago are being urged to stay off the frozen lakes, but if you want to see someone from Chicago on thin ice, just go to the White House.” – Craig Ferguson
“I’m kidding. I’m kidding. No, Obama is not from Chicago. He is from Kenya.” – Craig Ferguson
“The GOP is releasing short documentaries about Senate candidates to give the public a look at their personal lives. So if you’re the kind of person who is excited to see documentaries about Senate candidates, ask your doctor about Zoloft.” – Jimmy Fallon
