“Because of Russia’s actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn’t pull out of Kiev we’re not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China.” – Conan O’Brien
“Secretary of State John Kerry is all worked up. As a matter of fact, he was in Ukraine for a speech today. He looked out at the crowd and he said to them, ‘Ich bin ein, Adele Dazeem.'” – David Letterman
“This situation in Ukraine is very serious. As a matter of fact, today George Clooney and Matt Damon flew in to rescue the artwork.” – David Letterman
“Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine, and the U.S. is stepping in. In fact, just yesterday the U.S. gave a billion dollars to Ukraine to help stabilize the region. Then Detroit said, ‘Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vladimir Putin says that the Russian troops did not invade Crimea. Really? Well, what are those guys, mall cops?” – David Letterman
“Putin doesn’t know what the troops are doing there. And he has no exit strategy. He got that from us.” – David Letterman
“Just one day after the U.S. gave Ukraine a billion dollars, the E.U. announced it was giving Ukraine $15 billion. It’s kind of like when your sister gives your mom a fancy necklace for Christmas right after you give her a pair of socks.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vladimir Putin, while all this is going on, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. People were shocked until they found out that the head of the nominating committee was Kim Jong Un.” – Conan O’Brien
“After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, ‘Tell me who the other nominees are — and I will eliminate them.'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama has unveiled his budget for 2015. He’s referring to it as a road map for creating jobs. And young people said, ‘A what for creating what? Road map? Job? I’ve never had either of those things.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Obama’s new budget actually includes a proposal to phase out pennies and nickels to make the government more efficient – and to make grandparents better tippers.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, ‘Is the Pope Catholic?’ they’re actually asking.” – Seth Meyers
