“Despite the fact that the Ukraine has been all over the news for the past few weeks, a survey found that 64 percent of U.S. students still couldn’t find Ukraine on a map. Said Vladimir Putin, ‘Soon nobody will’.” – Seth Meyers
“Russia suspended coverage of the Oscars last night. They didn’t show it. And I’m going to guess they’re not going to show the Tony Awards either.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Olympics are done. The Russians have nothing to do so they invaded Crimea.” – David Letterman
“President Obama is steamed. He says to Putin, ‘Pull your troops out of Crimea or the U.S. will not attend the next G-8 summit.’ Well, that will show him. Putin will think twice about it now. Last thing he wants to do is offend the United States so they stay home from a summit meeting.” – David Letterman
“Tonight we get a visit from the mayor of the great city of Toronto, Rob Ford. I feel like I’ve been waiting for this night my whole life.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I have a lot to ask Mayor Ford. I don’t think I’ve had this many questions since the series finale of ‘Lost’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“When Mayor Ford gets out here, distract him and I’ll take his passport. And that way he never leaves us, OK?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Welcome to the Tonight Show! I’m your host, Jimmy Fallon. Or as John Travolta would call me, ‘Jelan Fejalla’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I’m Conan O’Brien. Or as John Travolta calls me, ‘Kevin O. Zeme’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? I watch every year to make sure I’m not in the dead actors montage.” – David Letterman
