“This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn’t medal, Putin said, ‘Do not open trunk’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Russia gave all of its gold medalists from the Sochi Games $120,000 plus a brand-new Mercedes SUV. While the silver and bronze medalists all received life in prison.” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama this week launched a new effort to help young minority men warning them not to make the same mistakes he did when he was their age such as get high and not take school seriously – unless, of course, they definitely want to be president.” – Cecily Strong (on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”)
“Bill O’Reilly said that Michelle Obama needs to come on ‘The Factor’ to tell black girls to stop having sex and stop getting pregnant. Because if there’s one way to reach young black girls, it’s to go on Bill O’Reilly show.” – Bill Maher
“Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of the birth of the Tea Party. They had a big celebration and played their favorite party game: pin the blame on the darky.” – Bill Maher
“North Korea on Thursday launched four short-range missiles into the East Sea – as retaliation against a wave that knocked down Kim Jong Un.'” – Colin Jost (on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”)
