“This situation in Kiev, in the Ukraine, is still a big story. They overthrew the government and then a scared President Viktor Yanukovych went on the run. Now Russia has granted protection to Yanukovych. As soon as Edward Snowden heard that, he said, ‘Top bunk!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“How about that mess in the Ukraine, and now Viktor Yanukovych gets scared and runs. The Russians have given him asylum and they are putting troops on alert. That doesn’t sound like the Russians I know.” – David Letterman
“So you have Yanukovych who is disgraced and out of power. Next? ‘Dancing With the Stars’.” – David Letterman
“They say the Ukraine has become a wild, lawless region like Arizona, where they had this anti-gay legislation that was vetoed yesterday by the governor. They always invoke the word hate, but in Arizona, it’s not hate. It’s more of a dry hate.” – David Letterman
“In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. As proof, he cited the story from the Bible where Jesus miraculously turns water into pizza.” – Conan O’Brien
“This week President Obama told his supporters that they are doing God’s work by helping to promote Obamacare. God said, ‘Whoa, there. Look, I’m flattered. But Obamacare, that’s all you, man. Don’t involve me in that mess.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s rumored that Sandra Bullock will end up making $70 million from the movie ‘Gravity’. ‘That’s great!’ said the real astronauts making $59,000 a year.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Jason Collins, the NBA’s first openly gay player, has the top-selling jersey in the league store. Yeah, that’s great — finally a gay man who’s not afraid to stand up and say ‘I have my own clothing line’.” – Conan O’Brien
