“The NFL is warning Arizona that if they approve a bill that discriminates against gays they may not get to host the next Super Bowl. And it may also hurt Arizona’s chances of hosting the Tony Awards.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Olympics are finished. Everybody has gone home, so once again there are no gay people in Sochi.” – David Letterman
“At the White House today President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner had a private meeting in the Oval Office. They met for about an hour. It turns out the last five years have been a big misunderstanding. They actually agree on everything. I’m glad they cleared that up.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Obama and Boehner talked about manufacturing, immigration, healthcare, Afghanistan, and the drought in California, among other things. An aide to speaker Boehner said they met because they believe it’s important to work together on issues where they find common ground. Unfortunately, there were no issues on which they found common ground.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hey, you know who they locked up? Public enemy No. 1, El Chapo Guzman. He was the leading distributor of cocaine and cocaine-related items in the world. So another setback for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.” – David Letterman
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is making the rounds again. Today he did an interview with Matt Lauer on the ‘Today’ show. Lauer said, ‘Thanks for getting up early to be with us.’ Then Ford said, ‘I never went to bed.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A girl scout in San Francisco sold 117 boxes of cookies in two hours after setting up shop outside a medical marijuana dispensary. And the very next day she became the youngest person ever to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant.” – Seth Meyers
“The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients’ bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse.” – Jimmy Fallon
