“The Department of Agriculture is recalling thousands of boxes of Hot Pockets because they contain meat that wasn’t properly inspected. When they heard that, people who like to eat Hot Pockets said, ‘I inspected it when I took it out of the box. Looked good to me.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, ‘Uh, mammal?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A team of military researchers is developing a pizza that can stay edible for three years. It’s been a weird couple of years for the military. One minute you’re hunting Osama bin Laden and the next you’re trying to outsmart Papa John.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama met with Mexico’s president. This was a rare trip for Obama. Usually he sends Dennis Rodman.” – David Letterman
“Obama had a message for Mexicans. He said, ‘If you like your fajitas, you can keep your fajitas.'” – David Letterman
“At the Olympics the U.S. now leads the total medal count with 23. That’s important because the country with the most medals at the end of the Olympics gets the best parking spot at the United Nations for the next two years.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today at the Olympics the Russian men’s hockey team, which was favored, was eliminated by Finland. Then an hour later, the Russian men’s hockey team was eliminated by Putin.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today the Russian hockey team lost and was knocked out of the Olympics. People in Russia haven’t been this depressed since last week.” – Conan O’Brien
“There’s bad blood in the world of Olympic ice dancing. The Canadian team won the silver medal, but they’re upset because their Russian coach also coaches the American team that won the gold medal. The top two teams have the same coach. How is that possible? How does that coach give a pep talk?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Canadians say their coach gave the American team preferential treatment. They say they complained about this several times but to no avail. I don’t know much about ice dancing so this might sound crazy, but maybe get a different coach. Or does that break some ice dancing code of honor?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In Florida, a 101-year-old man is planning to run for Congress. His slogan is ‘Vote for me and then vote again in two months.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A company is selling a new action figure based on NSA leaker Edward Snowden. Of course, the only thing it does is tattle on your G.I. Joes.” – Jimmy Fallon
