“Last night of course was the State of the Union address, and during his speech, President Obama promised to focus on economic growth, education, and healthcare. Or as people tuning in put it, ‘Oh crap, it’s a rerun.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“How many of you folks watched the State of the Union speech last night? How many of you watched just for the commercials?” – David Letterman
“As you know, President Obama gave his State of the Union address last night. Obama says he wants to give ‘America a raise’. He’s just waiting, of course, for final approval from China. As soon as they say it’s OK, then we’ll move ahead.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama asked that Americans pitch in and help those who are most down on their luck — like the Lakers. I think he mentioned them by name.” – Jay Leno
“Immediately after the State of the Union address, Joe Theisman delivered the Prostate of the Union.” – David Letterman
“The president said that unemployment is dropping, but critics claim it doesn’t include people who have left the workforce. How about people who were asked to leave the workforce like me? Are we included in that?” – Jay Leno
“At last night’s State of the Union address, President Obama renewed his call for a path to citizenship for illegal aliens. Yeah, that was popular. Even more popular, though, was his roadblock to citizenship for Justin Bieber. That went over huge.” – Conan O’Brien
“Justin Bieber was booked for assault for an incident that happened in December. Boy, this kid is on a real crime spree. He’s become a menace to society. I liked him better when he was just a menace to music.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“By the way, when you have Justin Bieber and Rob Ford in the same place, it’s like Gotham City getting attacked by the Joker and the Penguin at once.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In anticipation of the Winter Olympics, a female curling champion released some sexy photos of herself curling in lingerie. When asked for comment, Americans said they’re still not going to watch curling.” – Conan O’Brien
“The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.” – David Letterman
“It seems that England’s royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that’s what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.” – Jay Leno
“Oprah Winfrey is 60 years old today. All federal offices and banks are closed.” – David Letterman
