“Earlier today Governor Chris Christie was re-inaugurated. It was a beautiful ceremony. They even had that phony sign language guy. When Governor Christie was sworn in, he put his right hand on a menu. Immediately following the ceremony, Christie closed the Holland Tunnel.” – David Letterman
“We are so lucky to live here in California with a huge snowstorm back east. Actually, Governor Chris Christie is very happy about this weather. He’s got something else to blame the road closures on.” – Jay Leno
“Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis says Governor Chris Christie canceled a position for him when he did something Christie didn’t like. When asked what he did, Lewis said ‘a sit-up’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Director Ken Burns revealed that his next documentary is about Franklin Roosevelt, and it’s 14 hours long. You know it’s bad when your movie is so long even Franklin Roosevelt would have stood up and walked out.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yeah, 14 hours about President Roosevelt. Which sounds like too much until you realize there’s been over 30 hours of TV dedicated to Honey Boo Boo.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama is getting serious about this NSA spying scandal. He told the nation that the NSA will not be used ‘for the purpose of suppressing or burdening criticism or dissent’. You see, that’s what the IRS is for. That’s their job.” – Jay Leno
“France’s first lady is suffering from extreme fatigue after learning of her husband’s affair with an actress. I don’t know why she’s tired. He’s the one juggling two women.” – Conan O’Brien
