“Fox News host Megyn Kelly now says she was just kidding when she said Santa Claus is white. However, she’s standing by her statement that the Grinch who stole Christmas, definitely Jewish.” – Conan O’Brien
“Is Santa Claus an American? Well he is fat and wears a velvet track suit.” – Stephen Colbert
“More snow storms all across the country. Man, New England is whiter than Santa Claus on Megyn Kelly’s front lawn.” – Jay Leno
“Over the weekend, China became the third nation to land on the moon. This morning NASA issued a statement: ‘Sending stuff to the moon is so 1960s. Call us when you get to Mars.'” – Craig Ferguson
“I’m happy for China. Sending a rover to the moon is really impressive. These days our government can’t even get a website to work.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama has named a top former Microsoft executive to run and fix the Obamacare website. Hey, how about fixing Windows first?” – Jay Leno
“Over the weekend the Obamacare website was down. Fortunately, most Americans were unaffected because they never knew it was up.” – Jay Leno
“It’s really starting the look like Hillary Clinton’s going to run. The digital team behind both of President Obama’s campaigns is already preparing for a Hillary Clinton run. They’re starting early because they’ve got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton’s browser history.” – Conan O’Brien
“The U.S. Post Office announced that today is the busiest shipping day of the year. 600 million packages were shipped today, and as many as 500,000 of those will actually be delivered.” – Jay Leno
“George Zimmerman is auctioning an original painting for $100,000. $100,000? Man, this guy is getting away with murder.” – Stephen Colbert
“Scientists are testing out a new drone that would replace lifeguards. Here’s how it works: If you’re drowning, the drone would fly out and drop a bomb on you.” – Conan O’Brien
“An entrepreneur has made a device that can prevent the NSA from spying on you by blocking your laptop’s camera. This new high-tech device is called a small piece of tape.” – Conan O’Brien
