“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is an entertaining fellow, the gift that keeps on giving. According to police reports, Ford once did heroin with gang members. In his defense, Ford said, ‘We had to, they were completely out of crack’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he’s hilarious and because I don’t live in Toronto.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The NSA collects almost 5 billion records a day that can pinpoint a cellphone anywhere in the world, track its movements, and map the personal relationships of the person using it. I’ll tell you what this means. You know the crazy people that wear the tinfoil hats because they think the government is tracking them? Turns out they were right.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“How is it possible that they can track every cellphone in the world but can’t build a healthcare website? Maybe they should put the NSA in charge of Obamacare.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“At a White House holiday party, the Obama’s dog, Sonny, reportedly knocked over a small child. So although President Obama’s approval rating is down to 40 percent, he’s now number one on YouTube.” – Conan O’Brien
“Earlier today, Vice President Joe Biden arrived in South Korea to talk to the people there. Yeah, first time ever people from South Korea have tried to sneak into North Korea.” – Conan O’Brien
