“Thanksgiving is right around the corner. As you know, the traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.” – Jay Leno
“There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.” – David Letterman
“Obama is wrestling with the healthcare rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town.” – Conan O’Brien
“Former President George W. Bush is on the show tonight. We’re very excited about that. As you know, his nickname is 43 because he was the 43rd president. President Obama is nicknamed 44 because that’s how many people have signed up for Obamacare.” – Jay Leno
“According to insiders, the White House hired a consulting firm that told them the Obamacare website wasn’t ready. But the White House went ahead. The White House made this mistake because they don’t know how to open their email.” – David Letterman
“So now the White House has hired a consulting firm to teach them how to pay attention to consulting firms. It’s all paid by tax dollars.” – David Letterman
“Vice President Joe Biden said today, ‘Obamacare will eventually be a success, God willing’. Today God said, ‘Hey, keep me out of this. You’re on your own on this one.'” – Jay Leno
“Today’s the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address and it’s also Larry King’s birthday — two events that happened 150 years ago. Actually, Larry is older. He reported at that event. He said, ‘Didn’t talk as long as we thought but what are you going to do? And why the four score?'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is being criticized for not attending today’s ceremony commemorating the Gettysburg Address. In fairness, though, Lincoln did not attend Obama’s ‘Sorry about this crappy website’ speech.” – Conan O’Brien
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says he’s not going anywhere, even after his recent crack scandal. He said he hopes to run for prime minister of Canada one day. When asked what party he’d choose, he said, ‘Why choose one? I usually hit, like, five parties a night.'” – Jimmy Fallon
