“The Department of Homeland Security revealed that hackers have attempted more than a dozen cyber-attacks on the Obamacare website, but couldn’t get in. Then Obama said, ‘But when you do, let us know how you did it!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“At a press conference President Obama talked about Healthcare.gov and he said buying health insurance is never going to be as easy as buying a song on iTunes. The answer is simple. Fire the website people and hire the people at iTunes. There you go. Couldn’t be easier.” – Jay Leno
“House Speaker John Boehner said the Senate’s immigration bill is so long that nobody has even read it. It’s always good to hear the Senate is taking the same approach on legislation that I take with the iTunes user agreement.” – Jimmy Fallon
“They caught a guy in the Secret Service sending out suggestive and graphic emails to women. On the bright side, it’s nice to know somebody in the White House knows how to operate the computer.” – David Letterman
“According to a new poll, 52 percent of Americans describe President Obama as ‘not honest’. That makes him by far the most honest politician in American history.” – Jay Leno
“A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Here in New York City we have a new mayor, Bill de Blasio. He’s 6 feet, 7 inches tall and his wife is a former lesbian. She’s a former lesbian although she can be called back to active duty on a moment’s notice.” – David Letterman
“The new mayor is not to be confused with current Mayor Bloomberg, the outgoing mayor. He’s a former leprechaun.” – David Letterman
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has provided me with so much entertainment this week that I feel like I should pay him a subscription fee. He’s like your drunk uncle who is fun but you’re just getting old enough to realize why your parents never let him take you anywhere by himself.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle.” – Conan O’Brien
