“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was re-elected by a huge margin. He gave a great speech last night. He said he learned a lot in the last four years – for example, that lap-band surgery doesn’t always work.” – Jay Leno
“Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor last night. We like him. He’s a good guy. Christie said he couldn’t have done it without his biggest supporter – and then his belt said, ‘Happy to help, man’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And he’s got a new slogan: ‘Put the oval in the Oval Office’.” – Jay Leno
“Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor. And in honor of his big win, I promise no more fat jokes about him tonight. But seriously, the margin of victory was so big, even he could walk through it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, has admitted that he smoked crack a year ago when he was in a quote, ‘drunken stupor’. Geez, if that guy smokes crack when he’s drunk, I’d hate to see what happens when he smokes crack.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama’s approval rating is down to 39 percent. And Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He’d be better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare.” – Jay Leno
“Bill de Blasio became New York City’s first Democratic mayor in 20 years by getting an amazing 73 percent of the vote. They’re saying a lot of the voting machines were malfunctioning. In fact, there were so many glitches, Bill de Blasio won the mayor’s race AND ‘Dancing With The Stars’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us.” – Conan O’Brien
“The new mayor is married to a woman who used to be a lesbian. His campaign slogan: ‘If I turned her around, imagine what I can do for New York City!'” – Conan O’Brien
“Half of the state of Colorado voted to secede from the United States. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana.” – David Letterman
