“President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he’s going to concentrate on immigration. He says he’ll start by deporting Ted Cruz.” – Conan O’Brien
“After 16 days the government shutdown is over. Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The new deal means the U.S. will be able to pay off its debts. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. By ‘everyone’ of course I mean China.” – Craig Ferguson
“Some of these guys in Congress are acting like this is a big achievement. If you pick up a gun and don’t shoot yourself in the leg with it, that’s not really an achievement.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Congress finally reopened the government. Unfortunately, some underlying issues still remain. Republicans oppose tax increases. Democrats oppose benefit cuts. And John McCain opposes kids on his lawn.” – Craig Ferguson
“Today John McCain said the shutdown was, quote, one of the most shameful things he’s seen as a senator. That’s from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot.” – Conan O’Brien
“I’m glad the shutdown is over. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said that now is not the time to point fingers. Well, let me know when it is. I’ve got one for him and the rest of Congress. Tell me the right time and I’ll send it right to you, you incompetent buffoons!” – Craig Ferguson
“The government will temporarily reopen until January 15 with the debt ceiling raised until February 7, and then we’ll do this over again. Why do we have a debt ceiling? Why can’t we get rid of the debt ceiling, have a convertible government, and feel the wind in our national hair?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“MSNBC said the end of the shutdown would be a win for Democrats. Fox News said it would be a win for Republicans. CNN said – I don’t know. Nobody watches that, do they?” – Craig Ferguson
“In a new interview, the Dalai Lama endorsed medical marijuana. So now we know why the Dalai Lama sits around in a robe all day.” – Conan O’Brien
