“It’s day 15 of the government shutdown. President Obama said he was hopeful an agreement would be reached tonight. Part of the problem is that Republicans can’t even agree among themselves on what they want. Which means Obama doesn’t know what to tell them they can’t have.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Because of the government shutdown, the White House is under attack – by squirrels. They’ve invaded the White House garden because the gardeners were laid off. Michelle Obama planted a garden to show how easy it is to grow your own food. All you need is water, sunlight, and 50 full-time federal employees.” – Craig Ferguson
“The effects of the shutdown are being felt in the White House vegetable garden. Because the gardeners have been furloughed, the vegetables are starting to rot. Is it possible that President Obama intentionally engineered the shutdown just so he would have an excuse to eat a cheeseburger?” – Jimmy Kimmel
‘A lot of people got mad when Michelle Obama expanded the White House garden. That just shows you some people don’t know their history. When Eleanor Roosevelt grew a garden, it was a ‘victory garden.’ But when Michelle Obama does it, it’s a ‘communist plot’.” – Craig Ferguson
“When I first heard the White House was under attack by freaky rodents, I thought, ‘What’s Ann Coulter done now?'” – Craig Ferguson
“This kind of thing would never have happened under George W. Bush because Dick Cheney would have been on the White House lawn blasting the squirrels with a shotgun.” – Craig Ferguson
“Today was day 14 of the government shutdown. I am starting to forget what it is like to have a government. There was a guy with big ears and a suit who talked about hope. That is all gone.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Just when you think that Congress could not do anything less, they manage to. At this point the government is like a house on Halloween that turns out the lights and leaves a bowl of candy on the front porch.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There was a Columbus Day parade here in New York City. Columbus thought he landed in India. Instead he landed in the Bahamas. If he were alive today he’d be running an Italian cruise ship.” – David Letterman
