“Look, you think Obamacare’s a big enough threat to this country that you need to shut down the government over it, fine. Own it. Don’t fart and point at the dog.” – Jon Stewart (on Republicans trying to shift the blame to Obama for the government shutdown despite claiming to be “the party of personal responsibility”)
“We just hit 190 hours of the government shutdown. If this were a ‘Lord of the Rings’ movie, we’d be almost halfway through.” – Craig Ferguson
“Today is the eighth day of the government shutdown with no end in sight. A small group of Republicans are refusing to allow the vote. President Obama called to reiterate that there will be no budge in budget.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Despite the shutdown, the congressional gym in Washington, D.C., remains open. The congressional gym is like any other gym except the customers are the dumbbells.” – Craig Ferguson
“Under a law that dates back to the 1960s, the Amish are exempt from most federal safety-net programs, and that includes Obamacare. Amish communities actually insure themselves, which is good. I depend on those people who make my gooseberry jam.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A government default could bring stability to world markets. Just like if you cut off both of your legs it brings stability to your torso because it lowers your center of gravity.” – Stephen Colbert
“This week China warned the U.S. that not raising the debt ceiling will hurt the Chinese economy. Then the U.S. said, ‘No worries – we’ll just loan you some of your money’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama said he thinks the Washington Redskins should consider changing their name. He didn’t stop there. He also said the New York Giants should consider changing their sport.” – Jay Leno
[better joke: The Washington Redskins have decided to drop the word “Washington” from their name because it is too embarrassing. – iron]
“California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill that allows illegals in California to practice law. You thought a lot of Americans wanted to close the border before? Wait until lawyers start sneaking across.” – Jay Leno
“Syrian dictator Assad says he may run for re-election next year. In fact, today he went over the results of next year’s election and he said it looks pretty good.” – Jay Leno
“Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face.” – Jay Leno
