“Did you see the Giants game on Sunday? They lost 31-7. Do you know what the Giants didn’t say after that game? ‘If you don’t give us 25 more points by midnight on Monday, we will shut down the fucking NFL.'” – Jon Stewart (on Republicans shutting down the government over their opposition to Obamacare)
“As of now we still don’t know whether Congress is going to vote to shut down the government. However, it looks like they still might burn it down for the insurance money.” – Arsenio Hall
“Tonight I will be covering the end of the government in a must-see TV event: the finale of Breaking Gov. Yes, tonight the United States government ends. Oh, it has been a hell of a ride folks. What a dramatic arc. It started out as a highly sympathetic character in the 1770s, but in 230 seasons has become an egotistical, self-destructive maniac.” – Stephen Colbert
“Well, last night we got to see how ‘Breaking Bad’ ended, and tonight we get to see how the federal government ends.” – Jay Leno
“In one final burst, ‘Breaking Bad’ character Walter White broke into the House of Representatives and demanded that Obamacare be repealed or he would blow up the country. Wait a minute, I might have been watching CNN.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Midnight tonight is the deadline for Congress to pass their budget for the year. And if they don’t, things shut down – which is bad because we need to keep the government working so they can continue to not do things on our behalf.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The shutdown will affect some national parks and museums. They’re going to close the Smithsonian. So if you have tickets, forget it. You’re not getting in. They’re going to close the National Air & Space Museum. They’re closing the Hillary Clinton Pantsuit Museum.” – David Letterman
“Yeah, money is tight right now in Washington. In fact after 128 years, the National Aquarium in D.C. may have to close because it’s running out of money. Officials say they plan on relocating all the fish to another aquarium nearby – then the fish were like, ‘Hey, isn’t that a Red Lobster?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama gave a speech today suggesting that this is kind of a hostage situation. But the Republicans who came up with the idea said they’re not holding America hostage, and if he bothered to read their ransom note, that would be perfectly clear.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This whole government shutdown thing comes down to who will blink first. Well, we know it won’t be Nancy Pelosi. We know that for sure because she hasn’t blinked since the last shutdown.” – Jay Leno
“Both sides are blaming each other. Republicans are pointing their fingers at Democrats, Democrats are pointing their fingers at Republicans. And Americans are pointing the middle finger at both of them.” – Jay Leno
“If it turns out that President Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable totalitarian mullahs in the world, but not with Republicans, maybe he’s not the problem.” – Jon Stewart (on Republican complaints that Obama was willing to negotiate with Iran and Russia but not Republicans)
“Now, I’m not sure how politics works, but I’m pretty sure if the government shuts down it means that we don’t have to pay taxes. I’m just kidding, Wesley Snipes … that’s a joke … pay your taxes.” – Arsenio Hall
“Our government may be shutting down in a few hours. So, folks, get ready for absolutely no noticeable difference.” – Conan O’Brien
“Do you care that the U.S. government’s shutting down? I thought they were already shut down. I mean, honestly.” – David Letterman
“Since 1976 there have been 17 government shutdowns. The longest was during the four years that Jimmy Carter was president.” – Jay Leno
“Even if the government shuts down, Americans don’t care. The last time Americans cared about anything was when they shut down the Twinkie factory.” – David Letterman
“If the government does shut down, nonessential White House employees will be sent home without pay – so more bad news for Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno
“If there is a government shutdown, most of the White House staff will be sent home. Which means there’ll only be nine guys whose job it is to keep Joe Biden away from the president.” – Conan O’Brien
“All this drama is very confusing to all the hookers in D.C. They don’t know whether they have to go to work tomorrow either.” – Arsenio Hall
“Diplomats from around the world have been spotted at strip clubs all over New York City while they are in town for the U.N. General Assembly. Things got pretty weird when the diplomat from Iran tried paying for his lap dance with goats.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Interestingly, polls show that most Americans say they don’t like Obamacare – but they love what’s in it. It’s like the opposite of a McNugget.” – Jimmy Kimmel
