“This is the 41st time that they have voted to repeal Obamacare. This is really not governing, this is more like a drinking game; every time they vote to defund, Boehner knocks back a Wild Turkey.” – Bill Maher
“The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, ‘I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.’ Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?” – Bill Maher
“Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. The wit of Justin Bieber combined with the people skills of Scarface.” – Bill Maher
“It looks like the federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home.” – Jay Leno
“New Rule: If House Republicans succeed in cutting $40 billion from the Food Stamp program, Congressman James Sensenbrenner has to go to a food bank and donate at least two of his chins.” – Bill Maher
“Under the bill they voted for, states now have to require food stamp recipients to be drug-tested and work at least 20 hours a week – the same thing I was going to suggest for congressional Republicans.” – Bill Maher
“Chicago has now surpassed New York City as the murder capital of the United States. That’s really surprising since New York has twice as many NFL teams.” – Conan O’Brien
“The video game Grand Theft Auto 5 made 800 million dollars in one day. People say Americans can’t export on values anymore, this proves we can. Unfortunately, our values are car theft and mass shootings.” – Bill Maher
“Syrian President Assad told Fox News that if he were ever to talk to President Obama he would tell Obama to ‘listen to your people’. Is he the one to give advice about listening to his people? His people are shooting at him!” – Jay Leno
“Russian President Vladimir Putin said he may seek a fourth term but that’s up to the people to decide. Then he laughed for 10 minutes … shirtless.” – Conan O’Brien
“Pundits say President Obama is starting to lose support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.” – Jay Leno
