Political Irony

“Anthony Weiner the peter tweeter is at is again. He admitted in a press conference to having more online sexting episodes well after he resigned from Congress. This time Anthony Weiner used the name Carlos Danger. He was sexting women under the name Carlos Danger. See, this is Weiner’s way of getting more Latino support.” – Jay Leno

“Anthony Weiner released a statement today saying this behavior is behind me. Then he added, if you want to see more of what’s behind me, I’ll text you a photograph.” – Craig Ferguson

“So, Anthony Weiner has apologized for this new scandal. He also apologized for the next one. And the next one after that.” – David Letterman

“At the press conference today, Anthony Weiner’s wife said she will stand by her husband. Especially when he goes on the computer.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mayoral candidate Anthony Wiener had more photographs released from his sexting scandal. New Yorkers were so shocked that Eliot Spitzer fell off his hooker.” – Craig Ferguson

“New Yorkers were so shocked that the thing on Trump’s head fainted.” – Craig Ferguson

“As a comedian, I am pleading with the voters of New York: please elect this man.” – Jay Leno

“Today we got our first look at the royal baby. Hurray for Kate and William. That little guy has only the tiniest tuft of hair on his head. And the baby’s got some hair too.” – Craig Ferguson

“The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there’s one thing babies love, it’s the sound of repeated artillery fire.” – Conan O’Brien

“William and Kate spent the morning thanking the hospital staff for all their care. And the other patients spent the morning trying to find the hospital staff. ‘My wife is having a baby too. Hello! Anybody?'” – Jay Leno

“Buckingham Palace announced the child’s gender. I wish they’d do the same with Camilla.” – David Letterman

“The royal baby has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal estates, where he will rest comfortably … for the next 80 years.” – Jay Leno

“The crowd outside the hospital was very respectful. You could actually hear the baby say, ‘Fetch me some milk’ and ‘I will be king, Father’.” – Craig Ferguson

“The royal baby is set to inherit $1 billion. In fact, he’s so rich that he’s already dating a girl half his age.” – Conan O’Brien

“This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, ‘It’s a really slow-moving line’.” – Jay Leno

“Experts are predicting that the royal baby could pump $380 million into the British economy. So the question is: How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama has issued a statement about the royal baby. He told him to hang on to the birth certificate. Those things come in handy.” – Conan O’Brien

“NASA released pictures of earth taken from 900 million miles away. From 900 miles away, you can make out the Great Wall of China. In Newark, you can make out the governor of New Jersey.” – David Letterman