“It finally happened. Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today. The baby weighed about eight pounds. Americans were like, ‘How much is that in dollars?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Kate Middleton had her baby. The royal baby is eight pounds. Then again, you can’t really put a price on a child.” – Conan O’Brien
“They named the boy Festus.” – David Letterman
“Bookies say the odds are 11-2 that the royal baby will be named George, after his great-great-grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100-1 he’ll be named George after the George Foreman Grill.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s a great day for our friends in the U.K. There’s a new royal baby. The royal family is delighted. Prince Harry popped some champagne and danced naked around the palace. Then he heard about the baby.” – Craig Ferguson
“The prince said what any proud family member would say: ‘Back of the line, junior’.” – Craig Ferguson
“The baby will be third in line to the pretend crown.” – David Letterman
“They kept saying on the news, ‘the royal couple welcomes a baby boy’. Well, I hope so. Do people sometimes give a kid the cold shoulder?” – Jay Leno
“Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, ‘Oh my God. What’s labor?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“I understand there’s a lot of celebrating going on at Buckingham Palace right now. I just hope they’re able to get up for work tomorrow.” – Jay Leno
“The royal baby was born today. But don’t worry, America, we still have Honey Boo Boo.” – Conan O’Brien
“I’m sure you all heard the news about the royal baby. William and Kate are the proud parents of a baby boy. Can you believe the media coverage? You’d think it was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having a kid.” – Jay Leno
“Congratulations to Kate Middleton and Prince William. They’re the proud parents of a brand-new baby boy. This really is big news — I mean, if the year was 1250 then it would be big news.” – David Letterman
“We have former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer on the show tonight. He’ll be here only for about five minutes, but we’re charging him for the full hour.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Eliot Spitzer is on the show. When he got here, I said, ‘Do you need someone to escort, er, show you to your dressing room?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In a GQ interview, VP Joe Biden says he can die a happy man never having been president. You know what? So can we!” – Jay Leno
“Detroit has become the largest city in U.S. history to file for bankruptcy. What happened was Detroit’s population dropped something like 70 percent, but the government got bigger. The tax base got smaller, but the government got bigger. Thank God that kind of thing could never happen in Washington.” – Jay Leno
