“NSA leaker Edward Snowden says he may seek asylum in Russia. Well, he should really love the freedom and openness of that society.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama just called Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss NSA leaker Edward Snowden, who’s been living in Moscow at the airport. Obama asked that Snowden be sent back to the U.S., and in return Putin asked for a case of Twinkies.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker, wants asylum in Venezuela. He also wants to be able to have summer asylum in the Hamptons.” – David Letterman
“According to a new study, inactivity can kill you. You can die from doing nothing. Believe me. These findings scare the hell out of the Congress.” – Jay Leno
“The royal baby is due today. Kate Middleton and Prince William are expecting the baby any minute now. The royals say they don’t care what gender it is as long as it’s healthy enough to never work a day in its life.” – Conan O’Brien
“Britain is in a heightened state of alert. Right now they’re in royal baby watch. Yes, everyone’s on the lookout for the helpless little bald creature that will someday become the most powerful person in England. But enough about Prince Charles.” – Craig Ferguson
“William’s brother, Prince Harry, is said to be very excited. He’ll be an uncle for the first time. And he will no longer be the only one running around in the royal palace naked.” – Craig Ferguson
“Queen Elizabeth is also on pins and needles. Who can blame her? It’s been 120 years since a British monarch has been alive for the birth of a great, great grandchild – or as Prince Charles noted, it’s been 120 years, five months, three days, and 15 hours.” – Craig Ferguson
“Doctors have warned that the birth could be very painful because there’s a 1 in 4 chance it’s going to have Prince Charles’ ears.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli is his favorite food. You know, it’s one thing to lie to the voters, but when you’re lying to kids, come on.” – Jay Leno
“In a landmark legal case, the Iowa Supreme Court has ruled a dentist could legally fire his female assistant because he found her too sexy and a threat to his marriage. You can be fired for being too sexy. I’ll bet that’s what happened to me here at NBC.” – Jay Leno
