“Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer announced he is running for New York City comptroller, and one of his opponents is the madam who supplied him with hookers. There’s a tough choice for the voters. One is involved in the most degrading profession of all time, and the other ran a whore house.” – Jay Leno
“Eliot Spitzer resigned from the governor’s office five years ago after he was crushed by a pile of prostitutes or something. But now he’s back and what makes this news especially interesting is that one of his opponents, a woman named Kristin Davis, is the madam who supplied him with call girls. It’s the classics story of boy meets girl, boy pays for sex with girl, boy resigns in disgrace, and then boy runs against girl he paid for other girls for the office of comptroller. In Africa, they call it Hooker Matata.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This week at the White House, President Obama will present George Lucas with the National Medal of Arts, while Joe Biden will present him with some fan mail for Yoda.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she’s so old that she could be a Republican.” – Conan O’Brien
“NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has been offered asylum in Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Bolivia. Or as Snowden put it, ‘Prison it is!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last Thursday we celebrated our 237th year of independence from Great Britain. And our 10th year of dependence on the Chinese.” – Jay Leno
