“According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama’s policy because finally a man is listening to them.” – Conan O’Brien
“Do you mind that the NSA is opening your mail and listening to your phone calls? I don’t care. It’s like the lady that tells you the directions in your car. At first I thought it was annoying, and then I realized it’s just like being married.” – David Letterman
“The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a whistleblower. He’s also a moron.” – Jay Leno
“House Speaker John Boehner called NSA’s Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed.” – Conan O’Brien
“I don’t know if you saw it last night but let me just apologize. We had a bad show last night. I will tell you how bad the show was last night. Halfway through, the White House stopped listening in.” – David Letterman
“President Obama said he welcomes a national debate over our surveillance policies. He said that’s a debate we wouldn’t have had five years ago. Five years ago? It’s a debate we wouldn’t have had two weeks ago if they all hadn’t gotten caught.” – Jay Leno
“Quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots. So the good news is that Tebow got a job. The bad news: Now he’s associated with the word ‘patriot’, and he’s being audited by the IRS.” – Jay Leno
“Nobody knew about this. It was a top-secret deal. The only people who knew were Patriots coach Bill Belichick, Tim Tebow, and of course, the NSA. They were listening in.” – Jay Leno
“Hillary Clinton finally joined Twitter yesterday and racked up more than 200,000 followers in only five hours. Yeah, they were like, ‘Hillary in 2016!’ and ‘Washington needs Hillary!’ and ‘Hillary for the White House!’ That’s not her followers. Those were her tweets.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is on Twitter. A politician on Twitter — what could possibly go wrong?” – David Letterman
“Hillary Clinton sent her first tweet yesterday. Or as one guy put it, ‘How do you block people on this thing?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Marco Rubio announced a new bill that would require immigrants to learn English to become citizens. Many Americans already say it’s the goodest news they have heard all year.” – Conan O’Brien
