“Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign.” – David Letterman
“Here’s the problem. When you get scandals in Washington – like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI – it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don’t fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt.” – David Letterman
“This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, ‘Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?” – Jay Leno
“They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman.” – David Letterman
“President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, ‘How could things get worse?’ And Joe Biden was like, ‘You rang?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said ‘Hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision I’ve ever made’.” – Conan O’Brien
“People always say this to me: ‘Hey, Letterman’, they say. ‘Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?’ All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why.” – David Letterman
“This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever.” – Jay Leno
“A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent.” – Jay Leno
“The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from ‘Change you can believe in’ to ‘Changing the story until you believe it.'” – Jay Leno
“Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, ‘Well, I did promise change.'” – Conan O’Brien
“China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don’t have a joke here. I’d just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China.” – Conan O’Brien
