“In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi.” – Conan O’Brien
“Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in.” – Jay Leno
“What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we’re deeply sorry about him.” – Stephen Colbert
“Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America.” – Jay Leno
“My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford.” – Stephen Colbert
“Bill Clinton was being interview recently, and he said that despite all the speculation, Hillary hasn’t said anything to him about running for president in 2016. Though in fairness, she hasn’t said anything to him since 1998.” – Jimmy Fallon
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, ‘I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.'” – Conan O’Brien
“New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green.” – Jay Leno
“According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady.” – Conan O’Brien
