“Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a gun. The way the plan works is, it doesn’t.” – Seth Meyers
“A poll taken this week said that 44 percent of Republicans believe that armed rebellion may be necessary in the next few years to protect their liberties. You know what, I wish these fuck-ups would start their armed rebellion. I just want to see the look on their face when they walk out of the Waffle Hut and get smoked by a drone.”– Bill Maher
“So… 44 percent of Republicans think an armed rebellion might be necessary in the next few years. So if you say most Republicans are fucking nuts, you’d be off by 7 percent.” – Bill Maher
“The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as ‘rabidly un-American’ and still calls the Civil War the ‘War of Northern Aggression.’ He’s known around the NRA as ‘Reasonable Jim’.” – Seth Meyers
“70,000 gun nuts are meeting in Houston, Texas because the NRA is having their big convention down there. Which is actually good economic news for the city’s hotels and restaurants, and also the hookers who generally prefer men with smaller penises.” – Bill Maher
“You people sound like you’re all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves.” – Jay Leno
“Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market hit 15,000 for the first time, or as FOX News put it ‘Fucking Obama. Always undoing George Bush’s greatest accomplishments.'” – Bill Maher
“Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he’s getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Investigators are saying that on the night Dzhokhar Tsarnaev’s picture was first made public, one of his college friends who was arrested on Wednesday texted Tsarnaev joking that he looked like one of the suspects. You know, when they say ‘if you see something, say something’, they don’t mean TO the terrorist.” – Seth Meyers
“There’s a new summer camp for adults where using cellphones and computers is banned. The camp has an interesting name: North Korea.” – Jimmy Fallon
