“An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants.” – Jimmy Fallon
“That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, ‘Give me your lunch money’, students are like, ‘Here, take it’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to start a family before they turn 30. He also advised them to pay for it by inheriting millions of dollars.” – Conan O’Brien
“The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers’ Plan B was getting a show on MTV.” – Jimmy Fallon
“So they’re handing out hussy pills to 15-year-old girls like Chicklets, but I still need to show my passport and provide a DNA sample to buy some damned Sudafed. How am I supposed to make my meth?” – Stephen Colbert
“It’s been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It’s like being married to a Kardashian.” – David Letterman
“Vice President Joe Biden’s plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they’re trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, ‘No rush’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan – including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I’m sorry. That’s what we did here. I had it backwards.” – Jay Leno
“Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn’t catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don’t you think?” – Jay Leno
