“In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico.” – Jay Leno
“Earlier tonight ABC announced their new “Dancing With the Stars” lineup. I was confused. I thought the sequester eliminated that.” – David Letterman
“Doesn’t sequestration sound like some kind of side effect from a bad medicine?” – Jay Leno
“Somebody noticed that none of the Oscar winners thanked God. To add insult to injury, at his last sermon, the same day, the Pope thanked Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Pope was fired a couple weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers.” – David Letterman
“My church has had some problems. Yes, money was molested. Yes, children were laundered.” – Stephen Colbert (on the Catholic Church)
“The Pope does not earn a nickel. No paycheck, no money coming in, nothing. That must drive his wife crazy.” – David Letterman
“The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month’s cover of the ‘Sports Illustrated’ pants suit issue.” – David Letterman
“More problems for Sen. Bob Menendez of New Jersey. Remember he got in trouble for cavorting with prostitutes in the Dominican Republic? Now a professional East Coast escort has come forward and she says she had a sexual arrangement with him and other politicians as well. See, in Washington that arrangement is known as ‘quid pro ho’.” – Jay Leno
“Demographic shifts are making it harder for the GOP to win nationally. Apparently in 2012, minority voters just didn’t connect with the Republican message of ‘Stop, thief!'” – Stephen Colbert
“Our heroic drones have so rattled Al Qaeda, its leaders are distributing a 22-point tip sheet on how to avoid them. Like tip number 12: ‘Maintain complete silence of all wireless contacts.’ Here’s a pro-tip: switch to AT&T. No one will ever find you!” – Stephen Colbert
