“They’re going to miss Pope Benedict. He’s very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks.” – David Letterman
“It’s been reported that after the Pope retires he’ll receive a relatively small pension. So don’t be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads ‘Will Pope for food.'” – Conan O’Brien
“They’re looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week’s tryout with Kelly Ripa.” – David Letterman
“It’s being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans.” – Conan O’Brien
“There’s talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become ‘The Jerry Springer Show’?” – Jay Leno
“Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards.” – Jay Leno
“Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he’s going to wind up doing time.” – Jay Leno
“In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is ‘Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
